


The Final Fight

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 14:03:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16874229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Reader and Ivar are married and they are trying for a child, but something happens….Warnings: cursing, nsfw, smut, violence, blood





	1. Chapter 1

You never meant to do it. You never thought that you would ever be at the place where you were now. You loved him so much, with all of your heart, but still, you betrayed him. There was nothing that you could do to change what happened, to change what you did. There was only guilt left and something else. Something that you wanted for months, but never could have and now you did, although not with the man you were supposed to.

* * *

_You were woken up with gentle strokes of Ivar’s fingers over your hip.  You could feel his breath against your neck so you moved even closer to him. You were still a little tired from yesterday. You and Ivar were trying to get you pregnant, but after months that passed, you were more frustrated because Ivar would always be so happy while you would talk about children. Still after so long there was no sign of a baby yet. You would always get disappointed after getting your hopes high._  
˝I think we did it this time.˝   
You heard his sleepy voice as he dropped his hand on you. ˝Maybe,” you said quietly not wanting to talk about it because you were sure that it would end in a fight.  
˝You don’t believe me?” he asked surprised. He understood that he probably was too enthusiastic, but he really wanted a child.  
You turned around to face him. ˝It’s just, you say that every time and it’s not happening. Maybe it never will happen.˝  
Ivar swallowed the lump in his throat as he observed your face. He always thought that he will be the first one to lose hope, so it surprised him that you did. Also, it angered him. Before you, he thought that he couldn’t even please a woman. When you assured him and showed him that it was just because he was nervous there was something inside him that changed, he actually started to believe that he could be normal.  
˝Why would you say that?” his voice was higher than before as he stared into your eyes.  
˝Ivar, we are trying and nothing is happening,” you moved from him sitting up.  
˝But the Seer, he told you that this winter you’ll be with a child,” Ivar placed his fingers on your thigh tracing small patterns on your skin.  
˝I know. What if he was wrong?” You could see that Ivar was having a hard time listening to you. He loved you with everything he had and now when he heard you have doubts it broke him.  
˝How can you not believe in what Gods told him?” he stopped his fingers lowering his head.  
˝And how can you believe?˝  
After that question, you both only started to yell at each other which resulted in Ivar insulting you and you storm out. You felt like you were a disappointment to him. He wanted only one thing and you couldn’t give it to him. And to numb your pain you drank from morning to the evening until you were completely drunk.

* * *

You were crying the whole day when the Seer told you that you were already with a child when you went to ask him about your future with Ivar. You cried your heart out and when you heard Ivar entering you thought about just running outside but he saw your face and he was worried. You were sitting on the ground shaking and when he approached you, he was apologizing that he was sorry, but he stopped when you finally spoke.  
˝I’m with child,” your voice broke.  
His whole face lit up at your words. ˝I told you…I told you.˝ He was so happy that for a moment he forgot that you were crying. ˝Hey, listen to me. I know that you are probably scared that something bad will happen, but just remember what the Seer told you.˝  
˝I’m not worried if I die,” you whispered.  
˝Don’t say that. Our son will be strong, but he won’t hurt you.˝  
˝No, Ivar,” you forced yourself to face him. ˝It’s not yours.˝  
Ivar just stared at you, if it was anybody else telling him something that made him angry he would probably end them, but you. He couldn’t understand it. There were so many questions on his mind for which he needed answers. Did you ever love him? Was your marriage loveless from your side? Did you even accepted his legs, or did you lie to him all the time? With so many questions he still surprised himself with asking you just one.  
˝Who?” his voice was so silent that you barely heard him.  
˝Just don’t, Ivar. Don’t ….˝  
˝Who?!” this time he yelled. He had to know who stole you away from him. He had to know why you would betray him like that even if you didn’t love him. Didn’t you have any respect for him? After years of being friends, he couldn’t look at you. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know.  
˝Bjorn,” you whispered breaking the silence.  
˝Why, just because he is not a cripple?! I..I…I can’t even look at you.˝  
˝Ivar, I’m sorry. I was drunk; I didn’t want to.˝  
He laughed bitterly. ˝You didn’t want to?! Did he force you?”  
You shocked your head no and he reached for the door barely holding himself on the crutches when the only thing he wanted was to fall to the ground, but he didn’t want to give you that satisfaction. Before he went outside he turned to you. ˝I don’t want to find you here when I come back. This is not your home anymore.˝  
You understood you knew why he said that because after all, you knew him. You knew him like the back of your hand. Now, you’ll have to spend your whole life regretting your actions because you lost the man you loved and you knew that you’ll never be able to fill the hole in your heart that he left.


	2. Chapter 2

˝Are you sure that you want to do this? We can stay here,” Bjorn asked as he pulled you closer to him. You were lying with him naked under the furs.   
˝I want our son to grow up as true Viking in our land, not here,” you looked at him prompting yourself on the elbow as he lay next to you.  
˝Things changed since we left.˝ Bjorn moved his hand around your waist to pull you closer to his chest.

˝I know. At the same time, a lot changed, but it’s still the same. Kattegat is our home.˝  
˝Than we leave tomorrow.˝   
You kissed him on the lips and he eagerly gripped your waist with his both hands. He quickly rolled you over, trapping you with his body. You giggled staring into his eyes.  
˝I love you so much,” Bjorn said tracing an imaginary line over your cheek with his finger.   
˝I love you,” you smiled moving your hands behind his neck and pulling him closer to you.   
Kiss didn’t last long as Bjorn pulled away kissing your neck than the valley of your breasts and lower until he settled his head between your legs under the furs. You had to pull the furs of you to see his deep blue eyes watching you. He kissed your lower abdomen still gazing at you. He didn’t even break the eye contact when he kissed you lower, but you did arching your back in pleasure.

* * *

˝Arnar, come on baby, hurry up,” you watched as your three-year-old run around on his little feet. ˝Hurry, your dad is waiting for you.˝   
The brown haired boy looked over your shoulder seeing his father already in the boat.  
˝I’m here!” he yelled running to you. You carefully picked him up from the ground and you handed him to Bjorn before you got in.  
You and Arnar sat down in the boat watching as other Vikings walk around or talk to Bjorn.  
˝Mommy…˝  
˝What’s wrong?” you looked at your boy pulling him closer on your lap. Arnar held one of his hands around a few of your braids as he watched his father.  
˝Why don’t I have any brothers? Dad has four of them.˝  
˝You will get one soon, or maybe a sister.˝   
His eyes sparkled as you told him the news. He smiled like crazy and he also started giggling which brought Bjorn’s attention to him.  
˝Your dad doesn’t know yet.˝  
˝Ohhh…” he put his finger over his lips whispering. ˝Is it a secret?”  
You nodded at your son as Bjorn sat next to you. He kissed Arnar’s forehead and then your lips.  
˝It’s been so long since we were there. I hope that I won’t feel like a stranger,” you said putting your head on his chest.  
˝You won’t. Our family is there.˝  
˝So is he,” you said silently enough so that Arnar wouldn’t hear you. You held him close as you moved your fingers to his short hair so that he would fall asleep.  
˝That is in the past,” Bjorn said holding you close to him, letting you know that he is not going to let anything to happen to you or to your son. Although you didn’t need that assurance you were glad about it. You were a shield maiden, you could defend yourself, but that was never needed with Ivar. You were afraid to see him because of guilt for what you have done had never vanished.  
˝He will never forget.˝  
˝But he should,” Bjorn watched ahead of himself. ˝It’s his fault that you left not yours.˝ Bjorn felt guilty at first, but after a while, the guilt disappeared. You were his friend and that night when you both got drunk was similar to many nights before when you would come to him to talk. He remembers as he would watch you cry because you couldn’t give Ivar a child and it hurt him to see you suffer like that when Ivar wasn’t even aware of what he was doing to you.  
˝No, Bjorn, it’s our fault; yours and mine. The only thing he ever wanted was a child. What do you think will happen when he sees that you took that away from him? I want to go home, but I don’t want for him to know that I’m there.˝  
˝What are you talking about Y/N? You can’t hide or avoid him all the time, we are not children.˝  
˝I know, I’m just afraid that he will kill someone.˝  
˝You know that I’ll always protect you and our boy.˝  
˝I’m not worried about us. I’m worried about you,” you knew that Ivar had a bad temper, but he would never hurt you, but you weren’t sure if the same goes for his brothers.

* * *

Coming closer to the shore you put the hood over your head taking Arnar in your hands. Bjorn stood next to you assuring you that everything will be all right, but you knew that it won’t.

You couldn’t force yourself to look around, to search for him in the crowd so you just followed Bjorn carrying your son with you.  
˝Can we see the queen?” your son asked eagerly and Bjorn looked at you.  
˝Do you want me to take him, you can go to our cabin?”  
˝Yeah,” you put Arnar on the ground while taking some stuff from Bjorn to bring them in the place where you hadn’t placed your foot in for years. ˝Be good,” you said to Arnar kissing his forehead and then you turned to Bjorn. ˝You too.˝   
Bjorn smiled before kissing you. ˝You sure that you don’t want to go with us?”  
You nodded not ready to go to the Great hall. ˝Don‘t stay too long, maybe it would seem that Arnar can stay awake, but I can tell you that he will fall asleep in a few hours. And I don’t want him to fall asleep on the floor.˝  
˝Don’t worry. I’ll go see my mother and then we’ll join you.˝  
˝Okay,” before you could leave Bjorn grabbed your hand turning you around and before you could ask him anything he kissed you again.   
˝Be safe,” he whispered before you pulled away.

˝Always.˝

 

* * *

You missed Kategatt it was your home. You loved the nature that wasn’t the same where you lived for past few years. Here, you feel like you could breathe again, but you couldn’t point if it was because of nature or because of the man you missed. You still loved Ivar, you never stopped. You and he fitted together perfectly. You knew that your heart will break every time when you see him just like it did right now.

˝I don’t even deserve a simple hello?” Ivar asked sitting on the ground with his head against the tree. He knew about your return before you even decided to come back. He waited for you close to your cabin.  
˝Hello,” you said firmly trying to hide how you were feeling.  
˝That’s funny, just like when you ran away with my brother across the sea,” he laughed bitterly probably feeling the same as you did.  
˝You told me to leave, Ivar. So, I left,” you walked past him. It was hard for you to look at him. He looked almost the same. His hair was a bit different, but you also didn’t miss the lack of a smile on his face when he would usually watch you.  
˝That’s all you have to say after four years?” he was fidgeting with an axe in his hand probably wanting to scare you, but you both knew that it won’t happen.  
˝What do you want me to say? I told you everything then. Saying anything now won’t change a thing,” you simply said wanting to make a distance between you two, at least you said that to yourself.  
˝Why did you leave?” his voice broke a little at the end lowering his head.  
˝Why are you playing with me? I know that I messed up, but don’t pretend that you suddenly forgot what you said,” you raised your voice at him and he glanced your way.  
˝I was angry. The next day you were gone,” he never wanted for you to leave him, but he needed some time away from you, but not years.  
˝What, Ivar you missed me that much? You couldn’t care less if I stayed. The only thing you wanted was someone to fuck and to carry your children!” you screamed at him wanting to hurt him because if you didn’t do that you would start crying and probably run to him so you tried to prolong the fight.  
˝I….˝ he stared at you in disbelief. He never thought that you felt like that.  
˝Thralls didn’t want you to fuck them? Well, I guess you are used to that just as taking what you want,” you scoffed steeping further from him.  
˝Why are you saying this?! I loved you….I love you and all you did was….you hurt me.˝ His voice was giving his emotions away as much as he wanted to sound normal and not desperate for you.  
˝Don’t do that,” you said normally crossing your hands over your chest.  
˝What, you don’t want me to care?” he stood up on his crutches coming closer to you.  
˝You don’t care. Ivar, life with you wasn’t good. I’m actually grateful to you that you forced me to leave because now I finally know how it feels to be loved.˝   
˝To be loved?” he laughed in your face. ˝ He doesn’t love you, I do. I always have. I know that you are saying all of that just to hurt me so that I would leave you alone, but I can’t.˝ He stepped even closer trapping you between his body and a tree.  
˝You’ll have to.˝  
˝No, I won’t. I missed his birth, it’s a boy right?” he smiled sadly and you looked at him with wide eyes not knowing how he knew that or how he even knew that you’ll come back today.  
˝Yeah….but you didn’t miss anything it’s not y-˝   
He didn’t even give you a chance to finish the sentence before he spoke.  
˝When you left and after I’ve already destroyed everything I could, the Seer come to me. While I was begging Gods to bring you back he came to tell me that my son will be born and that he will grow without him knowing that I’m his father.˝ His eyes tear up and you closed your eyes for a moment.  
˝Than you should probably go and find that thrall,” you whispered harshly not wanting to break in front of him as you did the last time you saw him.  
˝Stop! I….I know that he is mine. He is my blood, not Bjorn’s.˝ He let his crutches to fall moving his hand to the tree leaning closer to you.  
˝He isn’t your son and he will never be, all right?!” you couldn’t look at him. Ivar put his palm on your chin forcing your face to his and he kissed you. The kiss was needy the same as you would kiss after every fight, but you quickly pushed him away. Ivar lost his balance and he fell to the ground with you standing at his feet trying not to cry.  
˝I will get you back, there is nothing that keeps you with Bjorn only fear that our son will grow up without a father.˝  
˝You are wrong, Ivar,” you said moving your hand over your belly  
˝You are lying!˝ he screamed as tears left his eyes. ˝You are my wife!”  
You looked away not being able to stop the tears running. ˝Not anymore.˝  
˝You are his whore, now?!˝  
You couldn’t stay there anymore so you didn’t say anything turning your back to him while he screamed after you.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s been a few days since you saw Ivar. You thought that he will try to talk to you again, but he never came back. He decided to keep his distance although it killed him to know that you are that close, but still so far away from him. But also that decision wasn’t completely his. After he talked to you when you come back, Bjorn came to him the next day demanding that he leaves you alone. Ivar surprised himself just as much as he surprised Bjorn when he said that he doesn’t have any intention of seeing or talking to you ever again.

He lied, he had an intention, but he just didn’t know how to approach you, so he didn’t. Everyone knew that he was a stubborn person so everybody thought that he won’t leave you that he will find his way back to you, but nobody knew about the child you were carrying just as Bjorn didn’t.

* * *

Ivar tried not to think about you or your son. He would occupy himself with numerous things, but nothing helped. He didn’t know with whom he could talk about it. His brothers would just tease him about it like when they were children so he decided to go to Floki.   
When he reached Floki’s cabin he could hear him yelling at someone so he hurried to the door. He walked in without knocking and he stopped in his steps seeing Floki holding a boy in his hands turned upside down. Floki looked at Ivar not knowing what to say.   
˝Is that her son?” he asked quietly, he could barely force himself to talk.  
When Floki didn’t answer Ivar lowered his body to the ground putting his crutches away while Floki put the boy down. ˝You should leave, Ivar.˝ As much as it hurt him to say that he knew that things won’t go well if he stays any longer. Ivar didn’t move with his head low.  
Arnar’s little feet lead him to Ivar.  Arnar smiled at the blue-eyed man sitting beside him.  
˝Hi…˝ he said quietly.  
Ivar wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. He never thought that he will be this close to his son.  
Arnar moved his fingers over wooden floor waiting for him to say something.  
˝Do you know who I am?” Ivar asked hopefully, but he almost started crying when Arnar shook his head. ˝Ivar…” he said silently. He was taken back as he saw a spark in his son’s eyes.  
˝Ivar the Boneless?” Arnar asked enthusiastically. He didn’t even give Ivar a chance to confirm before he spoke. ˝I heard stories about you,” he smiled.   
˝What did you hear?”   
˝That you are a great Viking, but my father is better.˝ He giggled and Ivar could feel his heart breaking. ˝He killed a bear.˝ Arnar felt comfortable sitting next to Ivar like he knew him for a long time and not like he just met him.  
˝I’m the leader of the Heathen army,” Ivar said wanting for his son to be proud of him although he didn’t even know who he was to him.  
˝I know,” Arnar smiled looking into his eyes. ˝My father told me that.˝  
˝Did he say anything else?” He asked while his heart was breaking into small pieces.  
˝That you are a good man.˝ Arnar quickly said while Floki watched them from the distance, still hearing them.  
˝And your mother?” Ivar knew that he shouldn’t even ask that, but he had to know if you had ever talked about him. He had to know if you still want him.  
˝She told me stories about my other uncles.˝  
˝About me?” Ivar asked glancing at Floki who looked away from him.  
˝I don’t remember,” Arnar’s voice was silent; it was similar to Ivar’s, a bit soft.  
Ivar smiled sadly showing him with his hand to come closer. Arnar moved closer to Ivar and he put him on his lap.  
Ivar wanted to ask him so many questions, but he couldn’t find the right words.  
He was about to ask him if you were happy when he heard your voice.  
˝Arnar, we have t…..Ivar,” you swallowed the lump in your throat when you saw him on the ground with Arnar. ˝You said that you’ll stay away.˝  
˝I did. I came to see Floki.˝ He never thought that he will have to lead this kind of conversation with you. When you were together you would always run to him whenever you would see him. Now, you were staying in the distance like the sea is dividing you.  
˝Arnar, can you take Floki outside?” Ivar asked quietly and Arnar got up taking Floki’s hand and leaving.  
˝Please stay away,” you spoke when Ivar start dragging his body closer to you.  
˝Why, are you suddenly disgusted by me? If I remember clearly you were by my side long before I used crutches.˝ His voice was bitter as he came to your feet tugging your pants for you to sit down.  
Trying to avoid conflict with your son waiting outside you sat down in front of him. ˝What now?”  
˝Tell me the truth?” He couldn’t look you in the eyes so he kept his gaze on his fingers.  
˝Again? Ivar just forget about me,” you reached with your hand towards him placing it on his thigh.  
˝How can you say that?” he yelled and you flinched at his voice.  
˝I’m begging you to do that,” you couldn’t be strong anymore while tears were falling down your cheeks.  
˝Do you really love him?”  
˝I do.˝   
Ivar couldn’t control his anger and he was in the second on top of you. ˝How can you say that?!˝   
You closed your eyes as he spat on you while yelling.   
˝You took everything from me! My own son doesn’t know who I am. You are ashamed. You don’t want him to know that his father is a cripple!” He lowered his head into the crook of your neck letting his body on yours while he put his hands around you.   
You didn’t know what to do. His breathing was irregular and his body shook.   
˝I’m just a cripple,” he whispered more to himself than to you as his forehead was pressed to the ground next to your head. ˝A worthless cripple…˝  
Your heart broke and you quickly sneaked your arms around him. His breathing calmed down a bit as you moved your finger through his hair.  
˝Shhhhh,” you held him close to you not being able to let him go as you did before. ˝Just breath.˝   
It wasn’t new to you to hear or see him cry, but this time it hurt the most. You brought him pain, you made him doubt himself. You broke him and you were aware that you can’t do anything to make him feel better. You couldn’t tell him the truth because at the end of the day you will be going home to Bjorn and not him.  
˝Don’t leave me.˝ He whispered wetting your hair with his tears.  
˝I’m sorry,” you said through sobs so he didn’t understand you.  
˝I don’t have anyone left. Nobody wants a cripple, not even my brothers.˝  
˝Ivar, don’t say that, please.˝  
Ivar took a deep breath moving your hands from him. He wiped away his tears staring at you. ˝Can’t you see what you have done?”  
˝Ivar…”  
˝No, just…just go,” he lowered his head. ˝I was a foul thinking that you love me and you want to be with me. I should have never trusted you. Now, I will have to live knowing that my brother is raising my son and fucking my wife.˝   
˝I don’t know if it will mean anything to you, but I do love you Ivar.˝ Before he could say anything you placed your palm on his cheek pressing your lips against his for a second before you walked out the door leaving him behind.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a peaceful day today, but it didn’t help your mind from wandering to the places where it shouldn’t go anymore. You were aware of your mistake, of kissing Ivar, but you didn’t regret it. There was a voice inside you telling you to do it, to show him that what you had was real. However, the thought that he would think that it meant more struck you while you were lying in your bed that night.

You loved Ivar, but you were well aware that you cannot go back to him and one part of you didn’t want to. You couldn’t understand if you want it just because of Arnar or yourself, but you made a promise to yourself that that will never happen.  
Bjorn was now a man with whom you were. He loved you and your son. He wasn’t stupid he knew from the second when the baby was born that he wasn’t his father, but he accepted him as if he was his own. He never regretted being with you and now when another baby was on the way, he couldn’t be happier. At least he thought so because soon enough he started doubting that you will go back to Ivar, no matter how much he trusted you.

* * *

Bjorn laid you down on the bed gazing at your naked body. Your skin and your hair were still wet from the bath that you both shared. His eyes moved from your face lower stopping at the small almost not visible bump on your stomach. He smiled moving onto the bed on his knees and kissing your bump.   
Your fingers moved to his braid tugging at it to force him to look at you. ˝Come here.˝  
Bjorn settled his body between your legs with his hands on each side of your head keeping his weight off you.  
˝I know that it’s soon, but I can’t stop thinking about names,” you said with a large smile gracing your face.  
˝Didn’t we agree of naming it after it’s born?” he asked before playfully biting the skin on your neck.  
˝Stop it,” you giggled placing your finger under his chin making him look up at you. ˝I know, but I want to know what names you were thinking about.˝  
˝I don’t know,” he answered honestly. He thought about names for a boy and a girl, but none of them seemed like they would fit them when it’s born.  
˝So, then we’ll do it after its born.˝  
˝Yeah, just like we agreed,” Bjorn kissed you after nodding. His lips were soft against yours. While his tongue was slowly moving against your lower lip teasing you his hand wandered down your body. He stopped for a few minutes massaging your breasts and pinching the soft flesh before moving it lower.   
During all the years you were with Bjorn he learned everything about your body, all the spots that make you moan and those that make you scream from pleasure. And when he knew you were close he moved his fingers before slowly entering you. Both of you parted your lips from the sensation before he lowered his face kissing you again. His thrusts were slow; making it last longer while he kept his arm around you, lifting you from the bed while he kept another flat down to keep you both from falling.   
Although you didn’t want just before you went over the edge you closed your eyes seeing Ivar’s face in front of you. You yelped and thankfully Bjorn didn’t notice as he came feeling your body relaxing in his arms as you did too just a few moments before him.   
Before he cleaned you up he kissed your abdomen one more time and then he lay next to you with his chest to your back. He noticed that something was wrong because you refused to look him in the eyes since you opened them, but he didn’t force the subject already guessing what could be bothering you.

* * *

It took you a few days to finally come to the Great hall to eat together with Bjorn’s brothers. You were sitting next to him at the table and with Arnar on your other side. In front of you was Hvitserk and next to him Ivar and Ubbe. Ubbe and Hvitserk kept their distance from you and Arnar while Sigurd didn’t really care about the tension between you and Ivar so he sat beside Arnar constantly talking to him. At first, he wanted to piss off Ivar, but now he talked to him because he really liked him.   
During the dinner, you stared at your plate trying to forget that Ivar was just a few steps away from you. He did the same, he didn’t even glance your way and he was unusually quiet which didn’t surprise Bjorn. The whole time Bjorn was trying to involve you in the conversation, but you were so deep in your thoughts that you didn’t even know what they were talking about.  
˝I asked you a question?”  
You lifted your gaze from the plate not knowing what to say. You were startled, but you didn’t miss the way that Ubbe punched Hvitserk to get his attention. The next thing that happens was everyone leaving; Ubbe took Arnar leaving you three alone.   
˝What happened?”  
˝I asked if the child that you are carrying is also Ivar’s?” The anger was radiating from him as you stared at him with eyes wide open.  
˝Don’t do this Bjorn. You know that I tell you everything,” you managed to say trying to stay calm aware that Ivar’s eyes were now on you.  
˝But we don’t talk about everything, don’t we?” Bjorn stood up exhaling loudly. He was tired of you being lost in your mind because he knew about whom you were thinking. If he knew what would happen when you return to Kattegat he would never come back.  
˝There is nothing to talk about,” you approached him, but he stepped back.  
˝Yeah, nothing…˝ Ivar said under his breath, but Bjorn didn’t miss it.      
˝If you have something to say Ivar than say it. We are all listening!” He placed his palms on the table glaring at his younger brother.  
˝You took them away from me.˝ Ivar stared at him finally letting himself to show the anger that you two made him feel.  
˝I didn’t take anyone,” he simply said tilting his head to where you were standing. ˝She came to me willingly, Ivar. After everything you did to her, how you can still think that you deserve to have her by your side?” he didn’t even raise his voice while talking being better at staying calm than Ivar.   
˝Bjorn, please stop,” you placed your hand on his shoulder, but he quickly moved your hand away.  
˝I just want his answer.˝  
˝I made a mistake telling her to le…˝  
˝I’m not talking about that, brother. I’m talking about nights that she was coming to me crying because of everything you did. Every time when you would lay with her she would come crying to me.˝ He could see the pain in Ivar’s eyes, realizing that he wasn’t aware of what was going on with you. ˝You didn’t even notice.˝  
Ivar stared at you with hurt and betrayal not knowing what to do. He hurt you so many times and he didn’t even know what he was doing to you. Ivar opened his mouth a few times, but words didn’t come to him. His mind was trying to place all the pieces together, he tried to understand what Bjorn exactly meant by it.  
˝Bjorn, stop! He didn’t do anything.˝  
Bjorn turned to look at you. ˝I don’t understand you. Tell him how many times he took you to bed that you didn’t want it. Tell him! I was there to hold you after not him. You would come to me and not him.˝  
˝Is that true?” his voice was like a whisper in the cold night making chills to creep up your spine. The last time when he sounded that broken was the day before you left.  
˝Ivar, I just talked to him I never…˝  
˝Not that,” he quickly cut you off. ˝Did I ….Did I touch you when you didn’t want to? You always said that I haven’t hurt you.˝  
˝And you didn’t. You never hurt me you swallowed the lump in your throat partially lying to him, because he did hurt you, not psychically, but with his words.  
˝But you didn’t want me to touch you. You didn’t want me, but you let me. Why?” he was confused when you approached him. Bjorn was standing a few feet away from you staring at the scene in front of him.   
When you placed your hand on Ivar’s shoulder he flinched moving away from your touch. The only time when he did it was when he was ashamed, you can remember how long it took him to feel normal around you, and it took him so long to trust you.  
˝Ivar, you never hurt me.˝  
˝How can I look at him now, how can I look at my son knowing what I did to you to have him?”  
You couldn’t stop tears from falling knowing how stubborn he is. He will never believe you whatever you try to say to him.  
You were crying on the ground next to his sit not knowing what to say. Bjorn approached you from behind trying to lift you to your feet when you screamed at him   
˝Get away from me!! I hate you! I hate all of you!” You screamed not caring who will hear you. ˝Your family is cursed, the Gods abandoned you all. I don’t want my children to be a part of it. There is no trust between you, no love, and no respect. I don’t want them to grow up in someone like you!” Your words were bitter, said with disgust. You loved them both, but you were torn apart and you were losing your mind. You knew that you had to get away from them before it was too late.  
Running out of the great hall you didn’t even look at Hvitserk or Ubbe while taking your son and heading home. You were tired, tired of your life, of all the fights and your mistakes. You just wanted for your children to grow up in safe and loved home, but you knew that there will never happen while Ivar and Bjorn were close to each other. So you made a decision, a decision from which your children will benefit and not you. You decided to do the best thing for them, not taking into the consideration if it will hurt the man that you love. You just had to do it.


	5. Chapter 5

You were packing your and Arnar’s things trying to do it as fast as you could. You just wanted to get as far as possible, aware that your heart can’t take seeing Ivar and Bjorn every day while knowing that you had to keep them both in your life for the sake of your children. But you couldn’t stay here in Kattegat you would rather run away than watch as everybody is fighting every day. You just couldn’t bring another baby in that kind of environment. You had to do what was best for your children even if that meant that they will grove up without a father. While you were trying to stay true to your decision Arnar was making it difficult for you. He was constantly asking about where you were going and where is his father and you honestly didn’t know what to say.

˝Are we going on a raid?” Arnar asked jumping on the bed while you were sitting on the ground trying to put as many things that you could inside your bag.   
˝No, love,” you said not looking his way and missing the pout on his little face.  
˝Than where are we going?” he finally calmed down sating on the furs.   
˝We are going back to the Mediterranean, just you and me.˝  
˝And father,” he said like it was the most normal thing, and you couldn’t force yourself to say anything else.  
Lucky for you there was a sudden knocking on the door that moved Arnar’s attention from you to the door.  
˝Mommy, somebody is knocking.˝ He showed with his fingers towards the door although you were turned to him with your back.  
˝I know,” you said simply trying to ignore it.  
˝But you are not opening the door,” he said laughing at you for being silly.   
˝I know.˝  
Arnar heard the change in your voice so he moved his focus from the door to you. Although he was just a child, he could notice some things that even his father sometimes missed.  
˝Why?” he asked curiously.  
˝I don’t want to talk to anyone,” you said glancing his way knowing that whoever was at the door could just walk in if they wanted to.   
Arnar’s lips turned into a smile as he started talking ˝But you are talking to me.˝  
You smiled softly at him. ˝I will always talk to you,” you said motioning for him to come to you. He was quickly on his feet running to your side. He placed his hands on your cheeks looking at you. He was about to say something when you both heard the voice from the other side of the door.  
˝Y/N, forgive me for what I said. I understand that you don’t want to see me at the moment and I respect that, but when you decide to open the door I will be waiting.˝   
Arnar pulled his hands from you quickly grabbing a chair that was placed near the door pulling it towards it. You didn’t stop him from not knowing how to explain to him why you wouldn’t want to see his father. Arnar was quick to climb the chair and open the door. He didn’t even think about climbing down immediately jumping into his father’s hands.  
˝Hey, little man.˝ Bjorn ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead while Arnar tried to move away because he thought that he is already a warrior and that his father shouldn’t kiss him like he was just a child which always made Bjorn smile.  
˝I think that mother is sad,” Arnar said after Bjorn put him to the ground.  
˝She is,” Bjorn smiled sadly knowing the exact reason for it.   
You scoffed after hearing Bjorn’s voice who didn’t even notice you before.   
He just noticed all the stuff lying around and you packing it and he hoped that he was wrong for assuming that you were about to leave him. ˝Where are you going?” he finally asked.  
˝In the land where people haven’t heard about Ragnar Lothbrok and where his sons do not exist,” you said it like it was the most obvious thing ever.   
˝Although one of them is your husband with whom you have two children?” Bjorn asked with anger rising inside him. He sent Arnor to the other room to play before he sat down beside you. It made him sad that you were saying things like that; it seemed so easy for you to just decide to throw him away.  
˝I still love him,” you confessed looking at your husband. You couldn’t read his expression, he hid it so well sometimes, but you knew that he wasn’t happy to hear that. However, you had to be honest with him. ˝I kissed him, Bjorn. It should have been some sort of a goodbye, but it wasn’t,” you kept your eyes on his not wanting to look away because you knew that you have to give him the respect he deserved.  
The whole time you were talking he stayed silent just staring at you, observing your face whenever you would mention his brother’s name.  
˝I don’t know what to do. He wants to know his son and I don’t blame him for it. However, I don’t think that I can let him.˝  
˝Why is that?” his voice was silent almost like a whisper, but you heard him although you wished that you didn’t because the reason is not something that would make him feel better or anything like that.   
˝I can’t trust myself with Ivar. I still love him the same as I have my whole life, but I love you, too.˝  
˝Look, we ca-“  
You cut him of not wanting to hear what you thought he would suggest. ˝If you just mention sharing me I am going to hurt you. I am not a thing to be shared!”  
For a moment you felt like your old self, sitting and talking with Bjorn away from everybody else although your son was in the other room.  
˝I didn’t intend to say that. It is enough that I share my son with him. You are my wife, I want you, but if you choose him I will accept it and if you decide to leave not wanting to be my wife anymore I will follow you as a friend and as a father of our children,” he said placing his open palm on your growing stomach and looking into your eyes. He took a deep breath before asking you the question about which you thought many times before: ˝Will you be mine or are you going back to Ivar?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first of two different endings

_Will you be mine or are you going back to Ivar?_

 

The answer to that question brought you to the place where you were now. At the moment you were in pain trying not to scream from the wound on your stomach. Blood was soaking into your long tunic as the healer sat down beside you taking care of your wound. 

 

You were in a battle minutes ago fighting alongside your husband and your son because it was his first time fighting and you were proud of him and in a few years his sister will fight by his side. And now when you look back to the day when you made one of the biggest decisions in your life you smiled glad you chose the way you did, but still the guilt that you carried for years never vanished. Nothing good in your life could make you forget how you destroyed the life of the man who loved you and whom you loved back.

* * *

_˝I’m not going back to him Bjorn, I can’t,” you voice was low as you stared at the ground._  
˝Why, you still love him?” Bjorn asked not sure in why would you say something like that. He was aware that you still loved Ivar and he couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t go back to him. It would hurt him if you decide to go to him, but he would accept it as he told you that he will.  
˝I didn’t lie when I admitted that, but he will never forgive me,” you glanced at Bjorn who pulled closer to you sitting next to you now with his thighs touching yours.  
˝But you want to be with him?” Placing his hand on your shoulder you looked into his eyes quickly lowering your gaze after it.   
˝No, I don’t think so. I love him so much, but I can’t be who I am with him. I want to fight, I want to travel. I don’t think that I can have that neither with you,” you lowered your voice in the end. It was not possible for him to not hear you and you were aware of it.   
˝So you decided to leave. ,” you could hear the broken tone in his voice and it hurt you because you were the one who caused it.   
˝I don’t know what I want. I sometimes wish that I died and went to Valhalla, but I will never go there if I don’t fight. I am a mother, but I am also a shield maiden,” you said while tugging the edge of your tunic. You kept your head low not even sure why were you telling him all of that.  
˝What are you saying?”  
˝I am going back home,” you finally said getting up from the floor and Bjorn copied your movements.  
˝Home?” he asked unsure of what you were thinking at the moment because he would think of you and his son when thinking about home. It wasn’t a place for him not anymore; however, it seemed that to you it was.  
˝Yes, where Arnor was born.˝ Glancing to the room where Arnor was playing your eyes drifted to Bjorn only to find out that he was already looking at you.   
˝You are not afraid that Ivar will follow you there?” he asked concern taking two steps coming closer to you.   
˝I am not afraid of him and this is not a home anymore, I hoped it will be, but I was wrong,” exhaling you turned your back to him breaking the eye contact.   
˝That is your final decision?” reaching with his hand he placed it on your upper arm making you turn around.  
˝I want you to go with me, but I don’t know if I need you as a husband or a friend,” tilting your head to the side you waited for him to say something only to smile hearing his words.   
˝I can try to be both.˝  
˝Thank you,” your smile grew wider as his fingers moved to your neck.  
˝But are you really sure that it’s smart to take Ivar’s son?” He looked into your eyes seeing that you were worried but knowing that you weren’t afraid of him nor anybody else.   
˝It’s not, but if I have to die by his hand I would rather it be because of something important and not from pure anger.˝ You said not even thinking much about it, the only people that you had to keep safe was your son and your unborn child, but you didn’t fear for your life.  
˝Are you sure?” His fingers reached your cheek as he moved closer to you.   
˝No, but we should try,” you said as you could feel his breath against your lips and before anything else could be said Bjorn kissed you.  


* * *

Not long after that day you left with Bjorn and Arnar. You wanted to talk to Ivar and to tell him that you were leaving but since what happened in the Great hall he couldn’t look at you without remembering what Bjorn said. That was why you never had a chance to say anything to him even a simple goodbye. That cost you a lot in your life, the feeling of a broken heart settled in your body and not day went by without you thinking about Ivar, but you knew that you had to live with the choices that you made, the same as you knew that one day Ivar will find you and he wouldn’t come to you for an apologies or to talk to you, he will come to kill you no matter that he will kill one part of himself by doing it. 

 

 

You knew it was close, your ending. You knew that it will happen like this, but you never knew that his dark blue eyes will be the final color you will see. It happened so fast, the day when Ivar brought his army to the place where you lived. He didn’t kill Bjorn, although he had a chance, he did injure you, he didn’t know if it was in the moment of all the anger that was growing inside him or simply because of your betrayal, however, he did it. And now instead of your husband or your children he was the one who was sitting by your side while the healer was trying to help you.   
˝I wish you stayed,” he spoke what was on his mind for years, he wasn’t even sure if he was talking about the first time you left, the second or maybe both of them.  
˝No, you never wanted me,” your voice was shaky as you tried to breathe in and out the slowest you could.   
˝I did, this wouldn’t happen if you stayed.˝ He kept his fingers interlocked with your bloodied ones.  
˝You were blind, Ivar.˝ You let out a slight groan from the pain as you tried to keep your focus on the man you left behind.   
˝No, I knew what I had,” he said sternly as you winced once again before talking.   
˝Only when you lost it.˝ Your arms and legs grew tired as your hand was now practically limp in his hold.   
˝I searched for you and now when I finally found you, you are leaving me again, and our son still doesn’t know who his father is.˝ He lowered his head to be closer to you as a tear dropped onto your cheek.  
˝He is a great kid,” you struggled to smile glancing at the doors where he was probably waiting to be let inside.   
˝But he would be smarter if I had raised him.˝ Ivar tried to smile, but he failed as the red liquid started to drip from your nose to the side of your face.    
˝He is already smart; he took it from his father.˝   
˝Do you want him to know?” Ivar asked knowing that it was not possible for you to make it. He respected you and if you decided for his son to never know who he is, he would accept it, still with a heavy heart, but he would do it.   
˝He already knows Ivar, but he chose to stay with me.˝  You were aware that your confession would hurt him but he had to know that you didn’t lie to your son.   
˝I saw him and he didn’t s-˝ He was confused as in why Arnar never said anything since he came here.   
˝He respects you,” you whispered on the verge of dying while trying to hold on for a bit longer to gaze into his eyes were you got lost so many times, sometimes you wished it was more than actually was.   
˝What have I done?” Ivar asked letting his head to drop next to yours.   
˝I was the one who did wrong,” you gathered as much strength as you could lifting your hand to the top of his head.  
˝I’m sorry,” he whispered.   
˝Don’t be, we will never know what could happen if I chose you,” you moved your fingers against his thick braids smiling at the memories you had with him.   
˝I can’t lose you, please,” he begged, lifting his head to look at you.   
˝I see them coming, Ivar.˝ There was a hopeful spark in your eyes as your smile stretched across your lips.   
˝Stay,” he placed a kiss on your lips and then to your cheeks repeating the words again and again.   
˝I love you.˝  
It was the last thing you said before your body went limp as he held you. He kept caressing your face and kissing it long after you were already gone and he could never forgive himself for what he has done. It wasn’t only that he killed you, but it was that he destroyed with it the bond between him and his son that he had yet to build. Now in the eyes of his son he wasn’t his father, he was Ivar the Boneless, the man who killed his mother.


	7. Chapter 7

_˝Will you be mine or are you going back to Ivar?_

The answer to that question brought you to the place where you were now. At the moment you were in pain screaming while giving birth to your third child. The seer told you that it will be a son and two years ago you gave birth to your daughter.

At the moment when you made your decision, you weren’t sure about it, you didn’t know if you will regret it, but now when time passed, you don’t. There was always something telling you that choosing him is the right thing to do, it was always the right thing. He was the man you truly loved, however you broke somebody else to be with him.

* * *

_˝I need you to answer me, I deserve to know.˝ Bjorn was trying to hold onto it, hoping that you will choose him, but he could see it on you. It was never him._

_˝Bjorn, you can’t ask me something like that, I should leave you both.˝ You couldn’t even glance his way saying that because you knew how much you were hurting him._  
˝Why do that if he still wants you?˝ He shrugged his shoulders waiting for you to say something, to make him believe that there was a chance for you and him, but you didn’t do such a thing. Neither when he moved closer to you there was no sign from you that you would choose him.   
˝What are you talking about?˝ Focusing on your fingers that were placed in your lap, you asked, the only contribution to the conversation was your words, there was nothing else from you that was in it staying in the same position, not knowing what to do with your hands so you decided just to keep them down with your head low.  
˝Ivar, so don’t pretend. You still love him and that will never change.˝ Bjorn wanted some kind of reaction from you, but he only got a quiet respond.   
˝I love you, too.˝  
˝I know you do, but never like him,” he reached with his hand to your chin lifting it so that you would look at him.  
˝He was the first man I ever loved,” you tried to look at anything else except him because you didn’t want to see what you were doing to him.   
˝And after everything he did to you, you chose him and not me?” his voice stayed the same because he was trying hard not to let himself raise his tone after everything he said in the Great hall.   
˝I didn’t choose anyone.˝ Shaking your head slightly, Bjorn dropped his fingers from your skin defeated and angrier than before.  
˝But you have and you know it, just tell me.˝   
˝I d-˝ You were actually glad that he decided to interrupt you because you didn’t even know what you were about to say.  
˝Look I was honest when I said that I will respect your decision, but don’t lie to my face I deserve more than that after everything I did for you and our son˝  
˝But he is not yours, right?” Tilting your head you notice how his chest raised and dropped quicker just as his fists were clenching while he held them on the ground by his sides.   
˝You know he is,” there was harshness in his voice and something made you moved further from him on the ground.  
˝And you are ready to let Ivar be his father, are you ready for him to be a father to our baby?”   
˝I’m not going anywhere. You can choose him, but I will still be here for my children, both of them.˝ Standing up from the ground he looked down at you as you placed your head against the wall of the cabin.   
˝It seems like you made this decision for me like you don’t even see a possibility of us.˝ The softness of your voice and the broken tone of it would bring him to his knees if it was any other day, but he stayed on his feet aware of your decision.  
˝No, you still don’t get it, what we had would have never happened if we have never made that mistake. You would still be with my little brother, not me. Maybe Gods were testing us and we failed.˝  
˝You see our unborn child as a mistake?˝ Standing up you were almost face to face with him, with him lowering his head to face you due to his height.  
˝Whatever I say now you will turn against me, but I am not your enemy. He loves you, I love you too. I’m happy for having these few years with you, but the Gods decided.˝  
˝They or you?” You smiled sadly as he approached you with cautious steps.   
˝You kno-˝ He was about to place his open palm against your cheek as you tilted your head to move away from his touch.  
˝Don’t do that Bjorn, you came here telling me that I have a choice, but you’ve already made it for me. You gave up, I never thought that I would see you giving up on something or someone.˝  
˝Why are you keep doing that?˝ He placed his palms on your shoulders preventing you from moving away from him as he waited for your response or for you to finally confess what he already knew.   
˝What am I doing?˝   
˝Pretending like you haven’t chosen him. It was always him so just say it.˝ His hand moved higher from your shoulder to your neck where he lifted your chin with his thumb holding your face close to his.  
˝I can’t.˝ Closing your eyes you tried to stop tears from falling.  
˝Why?”   
˝Because I can’t do that to Arnar or to our unborn child.˝ You opened your eyes just enough to move your gaze down to your stomach but his fingers didn’t let you see it not moving from its place.   
˝He would never hold it against you.˝   
˝He would, more and more he is starting to behave like his father with that stubbornness,” you let out a tired sigh.  
˝Still, he wouldn’t hate you, he is still a child. But you have to stop lying to him because what will happen if he finds out when he grows up?˝ His eyes left yours for a moment moving to the side where he could see Arnar playing on the ground in the other room.  
˝How can you be like this, pushing me to go to him?˝   
˝Because I know who you want.˝ His other hand moved to your hip as he kept you close to him almost certain that it will be the last time that he is this close to you.   
˝Than why did you have sex with me that night?” silently you asked feeling his warm breath against your skin.   
˝I was drunk, but I wanted you for a long time.˝  
˝But we were just friends…˝  
˝You were never just a friend to me,˝ Bjorn placed his lips against your forehead before you were even aware of what he just said. ˝You should stay here; I will find another place to sleep.˝  
˝Bjorn, I really wished that I coul-˝ your hand reach for his as he moved towards the door.   
˝I know,” squeezing your hand slightly he let go of it disappearing from your home as if he never was there, however he left empty place in your heart that made you fall to your knees.

* * *

Years went by after Bjorn left that day. Nothing stayed the same after it. Bjorn and Ivar never talked to each other again and Bjorn was never the same towards you. He was still there for you, but not in the way he used to be and it hurt. However you had to keep it on your mind that you were the one who hurt him and not the other way around, so you said nothing. For years you tried to pretend like everything was all right, but nothing was the same. Neither the relationship with you and Ivar was the same, you thought that he would be even more stubborn, but he actually opened up more to you. He talked to you more because he didn’t want to make the same mistakes that made you leave. It wasn’t the same with him, it was a bit better, even Arnar accepted him, however refusing to call him his father as he called Bjorn that, but Ivar wasn’t angry. He was hurt for a bit, but he was happy now, he had a family.

 

˝You can do it,” Ivar moved his fingers through your wet hair trying to soothe you as you were lying on the ground in pain.   
˝I can’t,” you cried out as a sharp pain went through your body. You were wounded in battle a few times, but it never hurt like this.  
˝You did it twice already; this should be nothing.˝ Ivar joked trying to make you forget the pain, but the only thing he got was you rolling your eyes at him.   
˝If I wasn’t in pain right now, I would kill you,” you said through the pain trying to breathe as you were about to scream again.   
˝You would kill your husband?˝ Ivar asked faking hurt in his voice as he moved his fingers from your hair to your face making random patterns in your skin.   
˝Did I not try that once already?˝ In the same moment you mentioned it Ivar stopped moving his fingers remembering that day as if it was yesterday. You throw an axe at him but you missed as he liked to tell you, but in reality, you weren’t ready to kill him yet so you threw it a bit higher.   
˝But you failed, so you could just not try this time.˝

˝I’m going to kill you!” You said through your teeth waiting for the pain to stop.

 

  
It took you a while until the baby was born and that was actually the longest that it took you to give birth to your child. You were tired and so exhausted that you couldn’t even hold your head from the ground so Ivar held you close to his body with your head against his chest. You were holding your son in your hands with the help of Ivar’s arms around them as you sleepily looked at your baby.   
˝He looks like you,” your voice was the only sound in the quiet room as your son was asleep and your daughter and Arnar with their uncles.   
˝He will be a real warrior like his mother. Thank you.˝ Ivar kissed the top of your head lovingly.   
˝You are thanking me for giving birth to our son?” You giggled at him trying to keep quiet not to wake up the sleeping baby.  
˝Well you did all the hard work.˝ He retorted shrugging his shoulders.   
˝Yeah that’s right. You were just laying all the time.˝   
˝I didn’t mea-˝ he tried to explain himself but you cut him off.   
˝Oh, I know what you meant,” snuggling closer to his chest you inhaled deeply his scent before closing your eyes.   
˝I hate you,” he whispered holding you and his newborn close not wanting to ever let you go.   
˝I hate you too,” it was the last that you said before falling asleep in the arms of the man you always loved and you will even after you enter Valhalla.

 


End file.
